Here in Australia we think about things a little differently and some of us are yet to understand this crazy internet thing. Here are the “outback” interpretations of some common computer terms.

• Log On: Make the Barbie hotter.
• Log Off: Do not add any more wood.
• Monitor: Keeping an eye on the Barbie.
• Download: Get the firewood off the back of the Ute.
• Hard Drive: The trip back home without any tinnies.
• Floppy Disc: What you get lifting too much firewood at once.
• Keyboard: Where you hang the Ute and bike keys.
• Window: What you shut when it is cold.
• Screen: What you shut in the mozzie season.
• Byte: What mozzies do.
• Bit: What mozzies did.
• Mega Byte: What Townsville mozzies do.
• Chip: A bar snack.
• Micro Chip: What is left in the bag after you have eaten the chips.
• Modem: What you did to the lawns.
• Dot Matrix: Old Dan Matrix’s wife.
• Laptop: Where the cat sleeps.
• Software: Plastic knives and forks you get from Big Rooster.
• Hardware: Real stainless steel knives and forks from K Mart.
• Mouse: What eats the grain in the shed.
• Mainframe: What holds the shed up.
• Web: What spiders make.
• Web Site: The shed or under the verandah.
• Cursor: The old bloke down the pub who swears a lot.
• Search Engine: What you do when the Ute won’t go.
• Yahoo: What you say when the Ute finally does go.
• Upgrade: A steep hill.
• Server: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
• Mail Server: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
• Internet: Complicated fish net repair method.
• Netscape: When the fish manoeuvre out of reach of the net.
• On Line: When you get the laundry hung out.
• Off Line: When the pegs don’t hold the washing up.